World's Greatest Spitter, The
The world's greatest spitter is bragging and demonstrating how well he can spit. He has an assistant, who has an empty pail. When the assistant catches the spit, he thwacks the bottom of the pail with his fingers to make it go ping.
First, do the world's highest spit. Spit up.
Next, do the world's fastest spit. Ping the pail at the same time as he spits.
Next, do the world's slowest spit. Spit in slow motion, wait a while, look at your watch, then catch it.
Catch the world's highest spit. (Someone objects. Explain it traveled further than the slowest spit.)
Next, prepare yourself, do the world's biggest spit. Hock for a while. Do it behind a sheet. Someone objects. The world's greatest spitter grabs the pail (now a different pail, actually, filled with water) and throws the water at him to demonstrate how big the spit was.